It had always meant the same thing – always, always. Some days, Junno didn’t understand it. Sure, he liked smiling. He smiled plenty. But he knew it was his smile that was the seller. And lately, he wasn’t smiling because he wanted to, but because they made him. This was suddenly the reason he was anywhere, the reason a reporter screamed out ‘Junno, over here!’ It wasn’t because of his singing anymore, not even because of his body. Sometimes he thought, maybe he’d prefer for his abs to be the seller. It definitely would make getting through every event easier, because he wouldn’t need to smile again and again because he was pretty.
Always the same, always the same.
“It’s disgusting,” he mutters at night to himself, remembering again the reason why he hated it so much. Before, it was all right. Before, smiling was simple. He wanted to smile, to laugh. His gaze flickered to the sleeping face of Kame and for a moment he felt a grin creep across his face, only to be wiped away angrily in the darkness. Why did he have to do it? Why was any of this necessary, why did he have to put up with this? This wasn’t what he wanted when it first began. He’d wanted to touch others through his music; he wanted to make others happy. And heck, he wanted money so he could buy videos games without going bankrupt. But it definitely wasn’t for this.
Junno put his head into his hands, and lay there. How many minutes, or hours passed, he didn’t know. All he heard was the light sound of Kame breathing, and that was enough.
Junno’s eyes flickered opened to a soft glowing light. The lamp blinded his eyes for a few seconds, before he finally got a grip and stumbled clumsily out of his bed. Another day wasted. You're hopeless' his mind told him, but he brushed it away. The rest of the house was quiet, too quiet for midnight. It’s normal, his mind whispered again. Junno’s fingers curled into a fist, and all of a sudden a wave of anger crashed on him. It was normal now. And he hated it. He hated everything. He hated his stupid thoughts, his stupid music, and his stupid, pathetic self. He hated how he was seen as weak, and yet he was. He had never understood the words ‘self-pity’ until now, and he couldn’t do it anymore. He hated living like this, he hated lying, he hated—
Pain. He heard something cracking, and Junno cast his glance at his hand. It was buried within the wall. For the first time in his life, he had lost control.
“That’s it,” Junno announced to nobody. “I’m done with it.”
His feet guided him on a pathway back into the room where he could see Kame. Kame’s face when he was deep in sleep transformed him into a sleeping puppy - Innocent, and young. Junno was like that too. He used to be innocent, young, and carefree. But the last month had taken it’s toll, and as these thoughts pieced themselves together, so did his suitcase.
Junno left nothing. They would wake up, and there would be another one gone. They would ask questions, and they would chase answers. But the answers would never find them. And as these thoughts floated into his mind, Junno’s face lit up as he locked the front door and walked down the stairs. The only thing he could envision was Jin’s face, and that was enough to make him smile.
♥ Finito ♥
© to Kelly Teng.
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Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: KAT-TUN - Rush of Light